Baked Witch

25 days ago:

I love you.

You were my curly bear.

My sweet love.

I told you everyday.

I went out of my way to show you how I meant it.

That I love you.

5 days ago:

Randomly crying over things we used to like.

I want to reach out so bad.

But every time I try to rekindle this you are always there, waiting to play me again.

Ready to lie, manipulate, and sleep on your promises.

I can’t reopen this wound anymore.

When we were together, you rarely made time for me even though you could have.

No chance this would happen but…. I fantasize about you showing up, to my house, to say hello. And I wonder if you even know how my face would light up with pure blind joy.

I would smile. I would take you gently into my arms and caress you like nothing had ever changed.

My beautiful fellow alien, how I love and miss you.

The tears I shed every single day are worth the moments of passion that I’ll take with me until my lonely death.

4 days ago:

This ritual didn’t work.

But I see in the candles – I am the white candle….I see me leaning while he melts away.

In one frame his flame seems to give one more lame attempt to hug me before I smother him with my own flame.

It’s basically a reading of our future. And that in itself makes the spell a “success” because I know what I am getting.

The candles didn’t lie. Not for a single moment.

Even the moment we both stand tall and proud together, before the beeswax cord melts us into nothing.

3 days ago:

What was and could have been.

You sleep in.

I wake up at the crack of dawn.

Our day would start with me seeing your beautiful body, the tattoos blooming along your arm as you sleep.

Your brow permanently furrowed from the stress of a hard life.

I’d be finding things to do, leave our bedroom door closed until – my heart exploding – I see that you have awakened and emerged.

Your long, thick curly hair looks so good in the morning. The sight of you makes me squeeze my thighs together and sometimes sink to my knees.

I love you so much still. The pain is subsiding with time. You are the most beautiful man I have ever known and it brings tears to my eyes, just the mere thought of you.

I’d give anything – absolutely anything to experience our favorite moments once more.

Every single tear I have shed over missing you represents another experience with you that I will hold onto, and cherish, for as long as my memory remains loyal.

Matthew, feel my love. My arms are open. One day – may your soul fly into mine.

11 minutes ago:

I cry everyday. All day.

My head hurts from the feeling of water being siphoned from my life force and draining from my sinuses.I am not his soulmate but he was mine. I loved him first. I gave him my soul, in return for bread crumbs – like a seagull might sell its soul for a frito. I am an idiot.

And why do I keep torturing myself?

It’s … almost impossible not to turn something on that reminds me of him? What a curse. I just sit there and cry until my head hurts.

Or I’ll be driving and trying not to cry while a song plays that reminds me of him.

I am self-medicating with pills & alcohol. I don’t want to destroy my body but it’s like this is all happening without my permission.

I beg of God – what ever God might be – cute pastel goth alien plushie in a claw machine, for all I know –

I just beg for release. The pain is too much..